An unwanted ending
Reflections on depression, suicide, and finding peace through compassion.
Hello dear friend
I hope you are at peace now
and that your weary soul can
finally rest
on the soft sandy shore
you swam so hard to reach
I miss
your bright light
your curiosity
our deep conversations
in cozy cafes
that lasted for hours
Even through your warm smiles
I sensed a strange distance
Oh how I wish I had known
how much you were suffering
How long you had been fighting
with all your strength
to escape the
abyss of hell
that clawed you
back in
How you had been
suffocating
in an emptiness
that engulfed your mind
and your spirit
Despite the pain
you fought a valiant battle
you kept the line open
for as long as you could
I wish I had been able
to throw you a lifejacket
and pull you out of the pain
I wish you had found a way
back to calm waters
back to yourself
before the storm
became too strong
It is a less colourful world
without you in it
I am learning…
to embrace the peace
of compassion
towards you
towards myself
to no longer dwell
in the “I wish”
or “what if”
to acknowledge
that we did
the best that we could
to accept
the unwanted
ending of this story.
A few weeks ago, I received a call with gut-wrenching news. A friend had ended his own life after a long battle with depression.
It was a battle I had only learned about in January from a mutual friend. When I heard, I was in shock. I pride myself on being able to read people well - how could I have missed all the signs? I immediately thought back to the message he sent me in December, asking me if I’d be around for the holidays. I responded that I was out of town but that we could hang out when I was back. He didn’t reply, and I didn’t think much of it. I then thought back to the last time we hung out at a coffeeshop. He and another friend had arrived there first and they struck up a conversation. She later told me that he shared how lonely he was feeling, but it didn’t trigger any alarm bells in me.
After finding out about my friend’s mental health, I did what I could to help him find stable ground. We were friends, but not close friends, so I walked a fine line between offering support and respecting his space. He had already received medical treatment and eventually, things seemed to improve. When I saw him post an Instagram of him happily running along the waterfront, I breathed a sigh of relief and stopped worrying. And then the gut-wrenching call came.
To help me process this experience, I reached out to a friend who is a psychiatrist, another who is a psychotherapist, and my dad who also knew someone who ended their life. I am so fortunate to have this incredible support network. I asked them if there was more that could have been done to prevent this. All three responded strongly: “Depression is a very difficult experience. His decision was not something that you are responsible for. You did everything you could to support him, do not blame yourself. ”
I have taken their words to heart, finding peace in my compassion towards him and towards myself. I know he suffered greatly and I can understand his decision. I know he received the support he was capable of receiving. I know that I did the best that I could.
I am shifting my energy to things that are helpful and meaningful - guiding people in finding belonging with themselves, nurturing healthy relationships, and challenging societal narratives that prevent us from embracing our authentic selves. I believe these are essential in cultivating strong mental and spiritual wellbeing.
I am grateful to have received many encouraging messages from readers of my posts, and am now feeling even more purpose in continuing to share my reflections. If I can help even one person find their way out of darkness towards a brighter path, it will be worth it.
If you or someone you know is in distress or needs emotional support, help is available.
National Support (Canada)
For Youth: Kids Help Line
Phone: 1-800-668-6868
Text WELLNESS to 686868.
For Adults: Wellness Together Canada
Web: https://ca.portal.gs
Text WELLNESS to 741741
Distress Centres of Greater Toronto
Phone: 416-408-4357
Text: 45645
24/7 support - they serve everyone, even if you’re not in the GTA
On healing in the darkness